When I was a kid, I was desperate for lots of friends. I saw girls at school chattering and yapping away nine to the dozen in big groups about what they were doing at the weekend, the new clothes they were going to buy, their Dad's new car. When I look back now it was all very cliquey, but at the time, I was desperate to be in one of those clique's. Instead, I changed schools various times and got kicked, beaten, laughed at and called derogatorory names across the playing fields. And so I think this desperation for friendsip taught me a great lesson, take good care of the friends you have, let them flourish and they will grow and survive. As I was soon to learn though that meant trying to also survive the changes that both you and your friends endured. But we did endure them. One of the biggest tests for me was to live with one of my friends I'd made at primary school while was studying in London. We made it though despite lots of ups and downs on both parts which showed the strength of our friendship
There were another two friends that made up our foursome at school, I lost contact with them until later and one has become one my rock and the other my duvet. You might laugh that I call him but it's because that's how he makes me feel when I see him, all warm and fuzzy inside exactly like the feeling of being wrapped up in a warm duvet on a cold winter's night. And the other one, he's always been there for me through my rough times.
I'm very lucky to have these three in my life, I know they will always be there for me, and despite hectic family lifestyles, there is always a whisper in my ear and a gentle kiss to say, ' you will always call if you need us won't you?' and I know that despite living 20 miles apart, if I had a bad time it would be a short distance to my home in their eyes.
But I've not always been so lucky. As I found out through school and university, it's not easy trying to find friends, with epilepsy and cerebral palsy as a double entendre even if it does only affect my right hand and means I have a slight gait. At university I started to talk about my epilepsy quite openly, how it affected me, how it felt and telling the girls what to do if I had a complex partial sezure. Their reaction, no kindness, compassion or understanding. Instead they tried false friendship and being as young as I was I mistakenly assumed it was genuine. And it wasn't until my third year when I met a girl, let's call her Lisa, for arguments sake. We clicked the moment we met outside the door of our new flat in halls, I remember it so well. And as we started to live together we became incredibly close friends. I did things with her that I'd never done with any of the other girls that I'd met and it made me realise how shallow they'd all been. Lisa took me at more than face value, she looked through the disability and the epilepsy and saw the real me, the genuine, down to earth me, and the fun me.
And we are still in touch. As you get older life gets busier, you don't get the time to speak to you friends - I haven't spoken to Julie for ages - but you know one of the signs of a true friendship is when you pick up the phone and nothing's changed and luckily it's always like that with Lisa and Julie. And even if we haven't seen each other for a couple of years or even if it stretched to four or five we'd always be the same. Friendships like that are a marvelous thing and something to be treasured for life
I've spent a fair amount of time over this past month contemplating what do when friends let you down. People who are only superficial friends and stupidly, but you don't realse it to start with and very stupidly you take them as not and so you're the only one who ends up getting hurt. I don't know about you, but when a friendship starts to crumble and collapse (and not because of an argument because believe me, I know those happen!), I start on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I want to know what happened, where it went wrong, was it something I did wrong? Generally I find it very hard to let go and for weeks thoughts will tumble around in my head until eventually I realise I'm driving myself mad and tell myself it's them not me. If they'd wanted to be friends with me they'd more effort in the first place because I'm not a bad person. Or at least I'm not aware of being a bad person...people might have other ideas, you never know!!! The thing is with me, because friendship is so important to me, when I meet someone I like, whether it be male or female, I think, yes they'd be nice to have in my life so I start making the effort, but I've started to learn, only give them a certain amount of chances.....that way it'll stop you getting hurt.
And I know that I'm lucky. I've got the true friends who take me for who I am warts and all. That's important to someone with stigma such as epilepsy, although it shouldn't be. But as Thomas Carlyle once said, and I have learnt through the years that life is a succession of lessons which need to lived to be understood. In relation to epilepsy these lessons have been important especially in relation to friendship. The first is that because there is STILL not enough awareness of the condition and because of that when people who you assume care for you see you have a fit for the first time and completely back away, it's a complete shock. And there you are having to hold your head afterwards as if nothing's happened, and you carry on as normal. Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to do, you need friends who understand that. But as another very famous person Anne Keller said, never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world right in the eye. But it was my Mummy who taught me to do that no one else and at a very early age too.
So I have concluded, that it is definitely quality not quanity that it is most important in friendship for they make me feel loved and valued. I have a few more quality friends than I have mentioned in this blog but I think you'd get a bit bored if I mentioned all of them!! I don't know if any of you know M.I.L.K. (Moments of Intimacy, Laughter and Kinship) that are sold in shops now. I buy a lot of them for you could call me a cardaholic. But for those of you that don't know them they are printed with photograph and relevant quote with it. And one of my favourites is
Many people will walk in and out of you life
but only true friends
will make footprints on your heart
Quite appropriate don't you think?
